My interpertation of the Bible...Hilarious!

Where did God come from? And what makes God a man? How do we know God isn't a she or an it? A Christian would say that God is...God always has been and always will be. But how do we know? Have you ever had a true conversation with God? One where the two of you sat down and chatted? I have never seen God, but I do have faith that there is something greater than myself.

God is what people need to believe in. We need to think that there is something greater than us that made us; that made everything around us. We need that stability and that explanation for things. Things need to have a reason for existing in the mind of us people. Otherwise, we often lose our drive and our will.

But when it comes down to it, people have certainly changed since we first came into existence. Our bodies and minds have changed. Did we come from apes? I don't think so; I think we came from a hairy cave man type, but certainly not apes. And I don't know if it was God that created us or if we just popped up, but I do have faith in something greater than myself...I am only human after all.

But here is an idea on where God came from:

Back when people first began, there was no story about where we came from. A child asked her mother before bed: "mother, where did people come from?" and the mother replied "well darling, we were created by something."

"But what?" The girl asked. "What created us?"

"Well, God did." The mother replied.

"Who is God?" The girl asked, curious as any child would be.

"Well...God is...God!" The mom replied. "And God made everything."

And so the little girl was left to ponder. And when she grew up and had children, she told them the story of God like her mom had told her. And one of those boys wanted to be the first man, even though he was not. He was clever really. His name was Adam. He sat down one day and took out a paper and wrote down, in a language that his wife Eve had taught him, all about God. And Eve and him had children and those children had children. One of their Grandchildren was named Noah. Noah was bored one day and decided to build an ark. He had been reading the "Farmers Almanac" and it had told him there was going to be a flood. No one listened to him when he tried to warn them, and that was okay with him, as long as his family was okay! And the flood was bigger than anything the world had ever seen. The whole world flooded. They didn't know who to blame for the flood, so they blamed God. And it was now up to Noah to populate the whole world...And he manages to! Man! Thats a lot of sex!!! Or so we think...We don't REALLY know...But anyways...In the Jewish community, one of his descendants, Abraham, is viewed like a rock star! The man is seen as being up there with God! He is just that cool. And eventually, he causes a war that will last until present day! He decides "look, my wife, who is also my cousin, she can't get knocked up! There is something wrong..." and so he goes and sleeps with Hagar, his wife's maid. His wife knows about this, she is the one that told him to. And Hagar gets pregnant with Ishamel. Well, not too long after that, his wife, whose name is Sarah, gets pregnant, and she is lik 100 something years old...ewww...and she has a son named Isaac. And she tell Abraham "look, I don't like your kid Ishmael! Send them away!" and so, because we all know women rule their husbands, he listens to her and sends away Hagar and Ishmael. But supposidely, depending on the book you read, they get visited by an Angel who tells them "yeah...so...your gonna be great nation, you will always be bigger than Isaac in number and you will always be at war with him!" They were given instructions on where to go and they went there. And that is actually what happened. Ishmael is the father of the Muslims and Isaac is the father of the Jews. They fight til this day! And its like "Seriously! Your cousins and have more in common than you could imagine! WTF?!" But noooo....Stubborn people!

Isaac had a son named Jacob, and Jacob had a son named Moses. And Moses was raised by Pharoah's daughter because Pharoah was killing Jewish boys and his mother, Yohebid, put him in a basket and floated him down the Nile. No one knows what era that was really, but Moses was one of those dudes who was like "I don't know who I am...I need to start a journey of self discovery!" So he ditched Egypt one day and headed out as far away as possible. And he found the Midianites out in the dezert, and he married a chick named Zapporah! And they did it a few times and had babies. And then one day, Moses was out being a Shepherd and he saw a burning bush. But it turned out to be God! And God said "Moses, go back and free the Jews, your people, from Pharoah!" and Moses was like "Dude! I cant...I have stage fright!" and God was like "I am with you..."

So Moses goes and takes his family to Egypt. And he sees Pharoah, who is also his adoptive cousin, and they are like "whats up cuz?!" and shake and what not. But then Moses is like "look...I need you to please free the Jews!" And Pharoah is like "Dude...no!" So Moses is like "Okay...Prepare to feel the pain." And a battle ensues. Fire came down from the sky and stuff. And then, Passover came. And all the Jews knew what to do. But Pharoah lost his oldest son. And Pharoah had a break down and freed the Jews. But he regretted doing it. And so, he went after them. But as he hit the Red Sea, he got stuck and drowned. And the Jews were finally free! But now what?

Well, Moses came up with the ten commandments. They are basically common sense. Its good to know he had some. And after that, there were all these battles. There is also the story of Sampson and Delilah. Sampson got his hair chopped off by Delilah. He lost his strength. Whatever...he's a dude! Delilah was hot..Or so I heard! Anyways...There was also David, and he slew Goliath. This kid was like..."I have ADHD!!! I need to release my energy!" And so, the armies were like "Well, what can it hurt to give him a slingshot to play with?" And so, when the Philistines brought out Goliath, David was like "Dude! I am gonna get you!" and he did! And the Jews were like "Nice! We won!" As the Philistines retreated in fear of this lil ADHD kid.

And eventually, Jesus is born! But how can a virgin have a kid you ask? Well, God knocked her up...But there are all these possibilites that no one ever mentions. For example...there were tons of poppies in the Middle East at that point, she could have been high and not remembered having sex! Or...She could have gotten raped by a Roman soldier, they did that a lot to the Jewish women. And rape was not considered sex, so when her family called her out on "have you had sex Mary?" she could have said no and she would not have lied! So anyways...There can be logic applied! But anyways, Jesus came and he was like "Dude...I'm perfect! I am going to die someday to free peoples souls and to be the light of the world...but until then...I am going to be a carpenter!" And he was. I will say nothing bad about him because I love him...No matter if he was the son of God or not!

There it is! The Bible in a funny lil nutshell. Was it written about men by men? Yah! Is it all true? I have no idea! Do I follow it? Not really...But I don't kill people or steal things so...I guess I am good! :)