What Is All This???

So, it has been a crazy last couple of weeks. My cold finally ended and I ended up having a lot of homework to catch up on, but I managed it! =) However, once it was all cleared up, things started looking up for me in the "dating department"!!! Woohooo!!! Well, okay, things improved.

This girl I like, we will call her N, she and I have been doing a lot of talking on the phone and texting. She is a total player, a Shane type in fact, and I should totally stay away, but I am just drawn to her for some reason. She has a crazy past, but she has changed a lot and I am proud of her for changing. We ended up going to see New Moon together on the 21st, and it was a lot of fun. It started off with us going to sushi, which was yummy. N was fascinated because the sushi goes around on a conveyerbelt and she had never seen anything like it before. We joked a lot during dinner and had a few good laughs.

Then, during the movie, we both agreed that Alice was amazingly hot and I tried to cuddle with her a bit. It wasn't so much that it didn't go well as its hard to cuddle in movie theater seats, but N made it clear that she has sworn off dating for the moment and we decided to view each other as friends until further notice. Its a crazy situation, I know!

After that, Monday rolled around and my French friend wanted me to meet up and help her with her English again. She was craving McDonald's, so after practicing English, we decided to go to McDonald's together. I remember when I found her outside in the smoking section, her blonde hair pulled back and her scarf pulled tightly around her. The way she smiled caught my attention right away and I was happy that she was happy to see me. But that same day, Jeff, this boy who is madly in love with me, came and tried to talk to me, her, and our Russian friend while we were practicing English. She looked slightly jealous and slightly confused as Jeff and I did what we usually do; flirt and mess around but know its meaningless because I am gay. As we joked about condoms and caused the married older Russian friend to blush, Jeff emptied out his bag and pretended like lotion was his favorite "lubricant". My French friend laughed uncontrollably and it was then that I realized how hard I was truly falling for her and completely by accident as well. Her face was so red, but my goodness was she beautiful. And as she stood, I wanted to beg her to ditch class and just spend time with me but...no...she had to go...and I would meet her for McDonald's later. And I did. And the conversation just flowed, like it always does for us, constantly talking and laughing. It was wonderful, and I fell even harder for her there. She showed me where she lived and she lives like four blocks from me....*sigh*....Thank you God!

But she is straight, at least according to her facebook page. The next day, Tuesday, she had a very bad headache and was in a slightly bad mood. She had ditched her morning classes and only made it to her 10am to 4pm classes, which was very unusual for her. When she sat down and relaxed finally, after two cigarettes and a coffee, I decided to give her a short back rub and she smiled greatfully, but still looked like her head hurt. I felt so bad for her and just wanted to take away all that pain she was feeling. I have only felt this way when I am falling for/in love with someone, and while it feels amazing, it also terrifies me because she could crush my heart at any point. I am also scared of her wrath; I never want to see her mad. I can tell she is one of those people who rarely gets mad, but when she does, its horrible. I will be a friend to her until I am positive about her orientation, and then, if she is gay or bi, I will make a move. She is afterall French...she might be bi! *crosses fingers* I have never had chemistry like that with anyone until I met her, so I am really hoping...lol.

And then there was today, my lazy day...I love my lazy day! I have done absolutely nothing but sit on my ass becuase school is closed due to the holidays! Woohoo!!! Its been nice.

My mom is trying to make a salad for tomorrow and everyone wants it to contain different ingrediants. Its funny because she wants it to be a traditional salad and everyone else is like "can't we just make our own?" haha! Oh well. I have this feeling that tomorrow she is going to try to be uber-traditional. Chances are it will be our last Thanksgiving together before we all get partnered up/married to people and move out and move on and all that. Mom is freaking out about it all.

My best friend Nino, who got married recently is pregnant. 7 weeks!!! OMG!!! I can't believe it! We were just kids ourselves when we first met and now she is having one...Wow! But I am so glad she is happy and I am so proud of her for making good choices and getting married and all that. At least one of us turned out...STRAIGHT! Hahaha! She still thinks I am...I don't know if I will ever tell her, it was afterall, her brother, that I first fell in love with in the way of men...I have never loved another guy like that. Even in all his vanity it was as if I had met him in lifetimes before...Thats another story! lol. Feel free to ask about that sometime! ;)

Alrighty...Hope you enjoyed that!

Ahhhh! I Should Have Stayed In Bed Today...

Today I woke up and I was so sick I had to take a sick day at work. I was coughing and sneezing and just had this horrible cold that was making me feel like crap. But I couldn't get back to sleep due to my family being their usual loud selves, so I got up and out of bed after calling in sick to work and got on the computer.

I began chatting and all was going well, but it ended up that my friend Lyle was planning on trying to kill himself at noon. He told me about it and how he was going to and I freaked out and begged him not to. I told him I was going to call 911, and then my sister and I left in our PJ's to go to his apartment and try to stop him. He wasn't there! We freaked out and went to find him.

He was found in a parking lot after having taken a lot of pills. He was taken to a hospital nearby and we still can't visit him. I got asked a lot of questions by the cops. The cop that interviewed me was cute, so that was a pro!

Then, my sister took me to the school where I had to get a signature from either one of my teachers or the financial aid lady. Well, my teachers were not on campus so I had to go try to beg the financial aid bitch who ever so rudely told me NO and I told her that I hoped Karma came and bit her in the ass someday! I will find my professor Monday and get my damn loan money, but did the loan lady's attitude and saying NO really piss me off? YES! I had a fit outside and cried...I am just overloaded and ever-so-stressed and the fact that she treated me so...meanly...I just wanted to ring her neck! I have never felt like that toward someone...

My day has just been SHIT! I mean, I should have never gotten out of bed. If I had just stayed there, I would probably no longer have my cold, Lyle would have found out that you eventually puke up the pills if you take too many and I never would have been rejected to pick up my loan...Yep! I should have stayed in bed! Today has been the WORST DAY EVER!

Once again...

Recently I have had the wonderful opportunity to get to know the French exchange student. Let it be said that she is straight and I am aware of this, but at the same time, being that I am not, it is so difficult for me not to like her. From her lovely brown eyes to her shoulderlength blonde hair, I cannot take my eyes off of her when I see her.

As it stands, I enjoy waking up early and arriving at school at 10am every morning so that I can help her learn English. More than anything I want to be there for her and get close to her, even if it does only amount to a good friendship in the end. Not everything has to be about dating...honestly! And since at the moment we are both single, why not get close as friends and see what can happen in the future? While I do not hold out any hope that I can "turn" her, I do hold out hope that she will keep me around as a friend.

My day today has started out a stressful one. No matter what the post time says for this blog entry, it is 11:00am here in lovely Seattle and already I am worrying about the fact that I have to be into work at 2pm and I am way late on an assignment that I am positive I cannot turn in now. My frustration is only growing with the amount of classes I have signed up for, however next quarter I have signed up for 2 BA courses and 1 Spanish class. Depending on the schedules of my friends I may change the time of my Spanish class, afterall, it is right in the middle of the day, 12:00-12:50 every day and being at that time makes it very inconvenient for me to get any work done and/or have any social life at all. I was going to meet the lovely French exchange student at 10:00am, but due to her class running late we could not meet. Needless to say I was disappointed, but we did talk about meeting up over the weekend and seeing a movie, so I am hopeful that she and I will become better friends.

This past week I have had a terrible cold, and on Tuesday I was starting to get over it, but then a horrible thing happened...JEFF! That's right, Jeff! Jeff is this obnoxious boy that I am somehow friends with and he is in love with me. He doesn't seem to understand what "I'm a lesbian and I will NOT date you!" means. Basically, he kissed me, yes, kissed me, full on, on Tuesday. I was not happy about it, but I joked with him because that is the type of person I am. However, he really wants to be my boyfriend and just doesn't get it that I am not at all attracted to him. I can't help it, I am just not! And since that kiss, my cold has only gotten worse instead of better. I must have gotten something from him and it combined with what I already had! Stupid Jeff...

But something that I have proudly figured out is that we cannot go back in time, we can only live in the moment and move forward. While often we wish that we could change something or relive an age that we enjoyed, we cannot. Contentment in the here and now is what I am working on learning. Loving who I am...that is what I need to work on. I still don't know a whole lot about myself. I know that I have no interest in men at all. I know that I enjoy writing and I am a hopeless romantic. I know that I have faith that the right girl for me is out there, and I will probably find her when I least expect to...

Life is a beautiful, wonderful gift, and we need to embrace every aspect of it. Friendship...love...the ability and opportunity to learn...everything! While my whole life I have looked to the future and been a total planner, I need to enjoy the moment, I need to savor each and every second of each and every day because one day, it will all be over! I don't know what happens once its all over, but I do know that I don't want to waste a second worrying anymore, I don't want to waste a second not loving anymore, I don't want to not be a good influence on those around me and I want to show them love and kindness and embrace all that they are. People are beautiful, and I am going to start just looking for the good and showing others my good side as well. I will expel any negativity and turn it into positivity. I will take any anxiety and turn it into good positive energy. I will do my very best not to fear the silly things I often do and I will overcome whatever obstacles stand in my way at all times. This is what I am going to attempt to do in both the present and the future. I cannot change my past, but I do have the ability to improve my future.

And as for the French girl, here is the story of how I got her phone number. On the Thursday before Halloween, we had a magician come to the school to do some magic tricks. His expertise is card tricks. He sat her and I down and dealt me the Ace of Diamonds and her the Ace of Hearts. He then said to me "I am going to send you her heart." and I replied, not taking my eyes off of the French student, "I get her heart huh?" and she blushed a bright red. Afterward, I got her phone number and we became fast friends. This was not the moment that we met however. I met her one morning in September when she was standing outside of the International Office. She had been talking very closely with one of the African male students and I was convinced for a very long time that they were a married couple. I asked her about it and she apologized but she did not speak enough English to answer what I was asking. A few weeks later, the blood donation van was here at school and we both went to give blood. Due to the fact that she has only been in the United States for four months, she is unable to give blood, but her friend Svetlana and I were both donating and she kept us company. It was nice. We all left together, but I took the time to really flirt with her and tell her what a nice smile she had. It was then that she told me that her boyfriend had broken up with her because he thought she had left France and him for an American boy. She had told him that she had not, but both of them did worry about the physical distance between them as well, and so the relationship had ended. She seemed bitter about the whole mess and told me that they had been together for two years. Two years is indeed a long time. That was when an inkling of hope that perhaps the lovely girl might be bisexual afterall, but I do not think she is. So, now all I get to hope for is friendship. My uncle told me a great saying. "Go in with no expectations and you will never be let down. Never assume anything because when you do, you end up making an ass/u/me (ass of u and me)." Its good advice, and I am going to use it for anyone I ever end up dating.

I hope that you all enjoyed this post. I feel my writing is improving, but at the same time I greatly dislike having to write as many papers as I have been lately. I am so tired, and I never get any time to sleep!

Devils, Angels, Vampires, Marines and Daniel Boone!

My Halloween was a lot of fun. I woke up and I decided to invite EVERYONE from my phone over to my house for a party that was going to start at 5pm. I got a lot of "Maybe..." text messages back, which was frustrating at first, but I knew at least four people would come, and my sisters Marine friends were over, so that would make for quite a few people at the party.

My friend Allie, who was my first ever female "date" ever came over and she brought tons of good movies with her. We were planning on watching scary movies all night. I had really wanted the hot exchange student from France to come. She is currently mad at guys because her boyfriend broke up with her for moving to America because he thinks she moved here for a guy...His loss! I have a feeling French girls are very open minded and she might be interested in a relationship. I really like her a lot!!!

Anyways, we started the night by watching "Drag Me To Hell" which was TERRIBLE!!! My sister dressed up in her Angel costume and her friend Paula who is ADORABLE, dressed up as a devil. It was funny because Allie and I were both watching Paula just about all nite. I love Halloween!!!

My friend Ibar, who I went to high school with and used to work with came over later, around 8pm, and we watched "The Orphan" together. We also played "Rock Band" and Allie has an AMAZING singing voice. Everyone was wowed by her! She really has an awesome voice!!!

Then we made a beer run because my sister is only 18 and cannot purchase beer and I had to do it for her. Everyone gave me 20 bucks and I bought a bunch of beers. Ibar left shortly after that, I have a feeling because he has a giant crush on me and he heard Allie and I talking all lezzie. Haha! I told him I didn't like guys and never really had...He looked disappointed and asked me if I might ever go bi and I said probably not. We will always be friends though!

Later, the marines set up beer pong and we all played and it was a blast. My sister and Paula got all tipsy and did their usual "your hot...lets kiss!" kinda thing. It was funny! Gotta love 'em.

Allie started dozing off and so she left and then my Korean friends came by shortly after for a few rounds of beer pong. I am now going to explain the costumes to you:

Allie: Was a vampire. She had the teeth that you put on that look very real. It was awesome! I loved her costume.

2 of the Marines wore full camo gear and it was awesome!!!

One of the Marines wore a vampire costume as well and he even put in color-changing contact lenses that were totally awesome!!!

My sister Jenny was an Angel. She got her wings from Victoria's Secret.

My sister's best friend Paula was a devil...she is freakin' adorable!!!

Ibar was not dressed up.

I was wearing a Daniel Boone outfit complete with a raccoon hat and the leather moccassins! It was fantastic!

My mother went to work as a high schooler. Hahaha! She borrowed my sisters clothes. It was funny.

Once everyone was plastered, my sister and all her Marine boys started wrestling. Paula started making out with one of them. They brought out the hookah!!! I was tempted to try it but decided not to since I already wasn't feeling well and tobacco usually makes me feel even worse.

Overall it was an amazing party with lots of fun and crazy moments. My dad went to a different party as a blind man, so when he came home and was still in costume, he started annoying people and it was funny to watch.

I have been trying the whole dating thing and it has been terrible! I never wanna date again! Girls are so complicated and while they are beautiful, personality-wise, I always end up the friend and never the lover or whatever...UGH! I hate it. Oh well! Its life...

Thats my bloggggg!!! :)