Stressed...Depressed....And Out!

For the last five months, I have greatly feared my parents finding out about my orientation. I have constantly deleted internet browsing history, avoided the topic at all costs and pretended like I was checking out guys and actors. However, it was a series of crazy events that lead up to me coming out.

On Sunday, October 18, I went to the movies for what would be my FINAL "date" with Holly. After everything, all she was feeling was friendship. I had done my best to be a perfect gentleman, to constantly take care of her, and after a long conversation about how it wasn't me and how she felt like we were better as friends and too much was going on in her family life to have a relationship, it was over. I was so depressed, I had never felt so sad!

I went in the house and looked really depressed. My family was onto something, but they didn't really talk to me about it. At school, I was sad and irritable all week. Sure, I was aware that she and I probably wouldn't get married, and that indeed her family was probably a majority of the reason we were not working at the moment, but still, I was down on myself about it.

I went to see my counselor Neera for an appointment on Wednesday and I just vented about everything. Neera is a 37 year old Indian woman from Mumbai who has a sexy accent and lovely chocolate brown eyes with think eyelashes. Neera basically let me talk my feelings out, and I came to realize that no girl was worth my tears and the one that is would not make me cry. That is totally something I should have realized on my own, from the start, but it took hearing a woman who has been through an arranged marriage tell me it for it to really hit home! A romantic Indian who knows that even though her parents picked her husband out, he still loves her and she still loves him. In its own right, it is romantic.

My uncle and I had spoken about my gayness on Wednesday, while we were watching TV. I told him everything and talked to him about my feelings. He told me that my parents probably already knew, but that he and my aunt would be supportive of me and we could all tell them together. I had been stressing about my orientation long enough, it was time I finally talked about it.

Thursday was a crazy day. My teacher is a hot lesbian who is a total veg. She is short and has blonde hair down to the shoulder and multi-colored eyes. The spinning ring on her left thumb gave away that she was gay to me right away, and I quickly became comfortable with her and in her class. After being told by Tatiana, the really hot Russian mom in the class, that I have a 'good energy', I was in a pretty good mood. I got home and I paced my room a bit and then I made the decision to come out.

I walked into the living room and told everyone sitting in there the truth. I had written a letter, and I am sure my mom has saved it somewhere, but none of them looked or acted too surprised. Mom told me that she had always known I was at least bi and that she would always view me as bi because a little part of her hoped I would marry a guy someday. She asked what would happen if I ended up with a woman long-term and we wanted to have children...would I be mother or father or second mom or what? I told her that it would be addressed when the time came, but that chances were we would both be mom.

I left for my trip to the state capitol of Olympia on Friday morning. Its about an hour drive from my house. I told the group I was going with that I had come out and they all told me how proud they were of me. Aaron, this guy who is a total redneck hick made me laugh a lot the whole trip. We talked about girls and just had a great time.

At lunch on Friday, we talked about how the rest of the trip was going to go. Basically, we would arrive at the hotel, check in, go to classes on what hearings would be like and then attend an actual hearing where we would then present a proposal to the legislature, or rather, two members of the legislature and the rest of the members were our advisors, like my boss Sheila. The room was crazy and I was so scared. I puked and then managed to do okay after that.

Once everything was over, I was glad to be getting home. I honestly was missing my family. Now, its Saturday night and my sisters friends from the marines are in town. My sister and her friend Paula are so drunk they were kissing each other and saying how they would be a good couple if one of them were a guy. Paula is now cuddling with one of the marines and my sister Jenny was wrestling with Paul, the guy she likes from the marines. The marine ball is coming up and the new joke is "can they find me a girl marine to take to the ball before then?" hahaha! That would actually be awesome. My brother is asleep in my sisters bed with his girlfriend because the marines are in the living room with my sister and Paula, my aunt and uncle are in the back room which is also my brothers room, and I am using my room. Ewwww! If I were my sister I wouldn't want to sleep in my bed ever again. lol.

Well, I hope you enjoyed that!

Insight Into Love...

You know that school girl feeling you get when you meet someone you are physically attracted to? Well, Holly, the girl I had been kinda seeing was causing me to have those feelings. We went out three times this past weekend, and here is how it went.

1) On Friday night, I got ready and made myself look as good as I possibly could. I got a haircut and I got my eyebrows waxed and I was so excited to see Holly again. It had been two weeks since we had gone fishing, and I was so stoked to be seeing her again. My heart was in my throat. We were planning on meeting up with my friend Nichelle and her girlfriend Stacie at this pub, Mahooney's, but by the time we all arrived, the pub was packed! So we ended up going to Chinese food, which was good. Nichelle was high on something and hilarious. lol. I bought for myself and Holly and overall I thought the night went well. However, there was no hand holding or kissing or anything...She held back a lot.

2) She picked me up on Saturday night and we went to her Aunts house where she was dog sitting and we watched movies. We watched a scary one and cuddled a bit during it because I am easily scared, but that was the most we touched the whole time we were "dating." She even drove me home around midnight because she didn't want me to stay the night with her. I don't know what I was doing wrong...I tried to get her to talk intellectually with me, talked about tv and movies as well, everything! But she was just closed off.

3) We went and saw Whip It and I tried to hold her hand and she said it was awkward. Then I got a speech about how we are better as friends and we left it as that.

Am I confused? Yes! Is it okay? Yes!

Here is what I have figured out:

1. Your first "love" is not your last love.
2. Don't label yourself. Keep your options open in the love department and date date date! Don't be like "I'm gay" or "I'm straight" because your going to fall for the PERSON, not for the appearance/gender.
3. Nothing is the end of the world.
4. Never go backwards. Your exes are meant to be your exes, not your backup plans!
5. Don't change who you are for them. If they want you to change, stay friends and don't date!
6. Don't mess with religion/values. Those tend to be set in stone, so don't get a whole new set for the person you are seeing.
7. Take it one day at a time and keep smiling. Also, stay positive.

This is my advice!

The Beginning Of My Story...I Have 3 That Will All Eventually Get Posted Here

1918 - Delhi India
Chapter 1

Raj Patel awoke bright and early on his wedding day. His parents had chosen his bride, but he had never met her. He hoped she was beautiful, but he had no idea if she truly was or not. At 24, he was still a young man. He had short black hair, a muscular build, and kind brown eyes that were flecked with gold.

The land he and his family farmed was owned by a one Thurgood Archer. Archer had married an Indian woman and was attending the wedding that would take place later that day. He was treated like royalty when he was in India. He divided his time evenly between both England and India and owned a lot of land in both.

Around 9:00am, he was taken to a preparation room. The ceremony wouldn't be until much later, but it was getting dressed that took a long time. After he was dressed, he exited the preparation room only to see the most beautiful woman he had ever seen dancing in the hall. He had never seen her before, but a huge part of him hoped she was his bride.

Her dark hair flew around her face, and her carmel colored skin was too light to make her fully Indian, but too dark for her not to be at least somewhat. Her eyes were color chaging and he was completely mezmorized by her. Where had she come from? Was she his betrothed? He hoped she was.

He approached her and joined her in dance, and she did not protest. She felt his lips against her cheek and she wanted him more than she had ever wanted anyone in her entire life. Of course, there had been that one girl at boarding school...but no, this was not the same kind of love as that had been!

Quickly, she exhaled the breath she had been holding and ran off, leaving Raj to look after her and wonder if she was indeed, the woman he had been engaged to. He wouldn't know until his bride was revealed at the ceremony.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sheena couldn't believe what had just happened, how her heart had felt like it was beating for someone else for the first time. She was so excited. But who was he? Was he the groom? Her heart sank at the thought.

He had danced so beautifully with her though, it had felt like it was just meant to be. And the way that their eyes had locked, she had never had anyone look at her like that before. Her father had asked her to dance at the wedding, so she had agreed to.

As the hour of the wedding approached, Sheena perfected her dance. She had been practicing it all week. At 22, almost 23, she was a real beauty. Her parents had been considering engaging her to someone, but she didn't like anyone they did.

The ceremony began, and Raj was so excited because he thought that Sheena was going to be his bride. However, once his brides face was unvieled, he was disappointed. She was not Sheena but a different woman...average...and her name was Kimaya.

But he smiled at her and pretended to be happy to be married to her. And when Sheena came out and was introduced by Thurgood as his daughter, Raj's heart sank. But the way she danced, with such fire and passion...He was in love!

And so, after his wedding night, which he only participated in out of duty, he made it his mission to locate Sheena. And he did. She was out in the fields, insisting that she could work alongside the men. And somehow, he found it so sexy that she wanted to work with all of them.

And as the men began to go home, Sheena took Raj's hand and led him into the field. She pushed him down and fell onto him. Of course, one thing led to another each and every time, but each time, they were careful not to go too far. Sheena didn't want to get pregnant.

And then one day, as Raj listened to Sheena's heart beat, one of their workers came and saw them together, and it was reported back to Sheena's father. "You what?!" Thurgood shouted at Sheena when she came and reported to him about it.

"I'm sorry father, it won't happen again." She looked at the stone tiles on the floor of the building to avoid making eye-contact with her father.

"Your right, it will NOT!" He shouted. "We are going back to England!"

"What?! No!" Sheena protested, but before she could even say goodbye in person to Raj, her father had them all packed up to leave. They had enough servants to do that for them.

Her letter to Raj read like this:

My Dearest Raj,

These past weeks together have been amazing and magical, but when that worker spotted us together, father decided we had to go back to England. You will always be in my heart, but you are married, and you have a duty to your wife. I love you still.

Love,
Sheena

She sent it with one of her servants, who made sure Raj got it and when he read it, he was completely depressed. How could this be happening? He wondered. But that night, for the first time, he allowed himself to be comforted by his wife. And they talked, and they became friends and they realized that they had a different kind of romance than the one that Raj had, had with Sheena....